Back when I was in ICU, you cannot imagine what it is like to not really know what is real and what is in your head.

When I first had the machines breathing for me, I felt like I was in control of them and that they were supporting me when my brain wanted air until I would lose focus on breathing and then it would kick in. Every function of one’s body has it’s own unique rhythm from heartbeat to a breath of air.

At first when it kicked in the timing was wrong and it was pissing me off royally! Not as much however as the medical professionals asking is I was in pain and not being able to effectively communicate so they gave me good stuff and I would come in and out of consciousness but no one seemed to know and I blacked out again.

After a while, I just gave in and let the machine breath for me. I stopped fighting it and it became less noticeable except I knew I couldn’t breathe as well as before and my air wasn’t right and I tried to just go back to sleep and get the four weeks I thought I was promised over with.

When I became time for me to get out of everything. I would wake up and there would be no one there. I couldn’t talk, but learned that if I tried to fight the machine and breath erratically that it would set off alarms and people would come. Most of the time they seemed pissed off and tried to get me to relax but I desperately needed someone there to try and keep me from drifting back into the fake world of my head. However, no one would stay and for many days I would drift back.

I really am not sure what it was but there came a point where they changed my air and I had to struggle to breathe on my own. It was however that that made me decide I was going to breath myself again, then within days from that about 3-4, it was removed.